I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes