I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.