Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

Only Americans understand

getting corrected

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

#parenting

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?