I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
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Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
never compromise your values
