Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

#NeverForget

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”