Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
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You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Just parrot things
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.