I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
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For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
This cat wants you to take your pills
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking