Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here