I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
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They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.