I see everyone is telling everyone else they look so much younger than they are again.
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unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.