I see everyone is telling everyone else they look so much younger than they are again.
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I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.