Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

that lip filler tho

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.