Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

What in the hipster hell is going on here

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.