Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
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if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.