Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift