Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

Bro what is this