I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
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Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.