I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
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What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
December birthdays be like…
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.