I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I think the cat got the dog high.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”