Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business