I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
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Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
so weird how every mom was born today
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.