Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

Ape together strong

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

👻

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

🤣

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*