Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.