Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application