Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?

Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.