I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
They’re stuck in your pants?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.