I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
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*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)