I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
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You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent