Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

it must be school picture day

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.