Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE