I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
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So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
