I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
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[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
*jazz hands*
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.