I see that your IQ test came back negative.
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My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.