I see that your IQ test came back negative.

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I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’


I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich


10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.


me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back


My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.


I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…


To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere


Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.


No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.