I see that your IQ test came back negative.
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“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I want this so bad
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Tammy is short for Tamuel
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
wtf management?!
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion