Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

kevin is now a local weatherman

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.