I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
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me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Tony Hawk, age 6
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.