I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
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Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
why isn’t thunder called soundning
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!