Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

Note to self: I am a note

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens