Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

💀💀

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.