@JIMBOSWELT

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

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@bea_ker

My waterslide technique has been described as ‘oafish’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘how did you get into the penguin enclosure’.

@elisemarie91

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

@hbreaker9999

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

@WheelTod

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

@caithuls

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

@steeve_again

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

@Turbo_Jimmy

*Wife thumps door*

“I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN’T U?!”

NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*

@GuyThe_Guy

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

@imence2

Maybe the dinosaur extinction was a murder suicide by the T-Rex. If I couldn’t jerk off because my arms were to short I’d kill everyone too.

@cwhudson

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips