Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.