I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
You Might Also Like
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
the short answer to this question
work smarter, not harder
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.