Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

marvel comics have peaked

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo