Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?