I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.