I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
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“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
is it earth
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.