I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
You Might Also Like
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot