I see you have a meat smoker, but no wife. I will find you a sturdy woman in return for brisket.
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Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Frog purse.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.