Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

a badder mouse

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

Banking tips

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

That’s classic.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you