“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used