Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

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What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

9 circles of hell in this economy?

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

Ghost costume 😂

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF