I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
You Might Also Like
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.