Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

Always a metermaid never a meter

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

can’t believe I got front row seats

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”