i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
*cough*
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.