Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Don’t we all.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.