i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
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Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Icarus loved hot wings.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.