I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
me doing my best
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.