Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”