I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
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It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
File under excellent bookstore names.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.