I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
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Breaking news:
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?