I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
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Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: