I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
no exceptions
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.