Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

Me checking my bank balance online.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact