I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
he chose this
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud