I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
When you’ve simply given up.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.