I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I have a new favorite meme page
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now